"You are a man! You are supposed to take it any way you can get it!" - to Brian
"Ally McBeal, Homewrecker. My card..." - Ally
"Oh, I have it, thank you..." - Georgia
"This is about me wanting a partner, okay? A partner to go through life with. And since I happen to be heterosexual, that limits the field to men, at least if I want to have sex, and I do! I like sex. And if that makes weak, tough, then I want to be weak. I want a partner. I want sex. I want a house with furniture. I want to have a baby. I want to have all of it. I want to get fat. I want to wear maternity dresses. I want to stick my legs up in stirrups, takes to shots of pitosin, and spit the little thing right out between my thighs and then have him suck on my breasts, with daddy standing right there the whole time pointing the camcorder... and instead of sitting back hoping for it to happen, I'm gonna make it happen! You think you can deal with that?" - to Renee at a restaurant
"Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines... If things don't change, I'm bound to get arrested..."
"Where does it say that women can act like men sometimes? I saw a piece of cute meat, and I said to myself,'You only live once. Be a man.'"
"Today is going to be a less bad day... I can feel it. Sometimes I wake up and I just know that everything is going to be...less bad."
"It doesn't matter that I'm not in a relationship with anybody... Sometimes I feel like I'm being unfaithful to myself..."
"Men are constantly trying to mentally undress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, thats all."
"Why does everyone think I don't like sex? I mean, just cause I'm not getting any doesn't mean I don't remember what it's like... I have a vague memory of what it's like, and I liked it, OK?"
"Love and law are the same, romantic in concept... But the actual practice can get you a yeast infection..."
"Everything's my business!"
Billy-"Ex-girlfriends don't have rights!"
Ally-"This one does!"
"I want, I want, I want."
"I don't need a therapist, I have a roommate."
"Did I just say that? Did I just say that, too?"
"I demand to know what part of me you're laughing at!"
"I practice innocence."
"Can't I just apologize to everybody and be excused?"
"Who needs balance? Balance is way overrated!"
Whipper-"But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground, either..."
Ally-"You mean some people do?"
"Sorry. A little voice told me to."
"I know that I appear insane, it's just a legal strategy."
Renee-"Look at my ass. Do I look good or what?"
Ally-"I'd love to,really, but I'm late for court..."
"I have a great imaginary world, but sometimes I need things to happen for real..."
"Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society... But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits..."
"I can YAP all I want! I'm a YAPPER, YAPPER, YAPPER!!!"
Billy-"What did you tell him?"
Ally-"That we kissed and clutched and I can't remember whether we made love or not on the account of your microscopic penis..."
Judge Pink-"If you have anger, Ms. McBeal, feel free to express it..."
Ally-"But you would judge me for it, your honor... It would be better for me to sit here and privately pray that you would happen by me doing groceries... Now imagine a young lawyer, her future in your hands. Who would say such a thing? She'd either have to be enormously crazy or you'd have to be enough of an ass to deserve the remark, no matter what... Now, you're the judge, so I'll let you decide, but not until I'm finished and I haven't finished! That woman abused me in that supermarket! Now yes, I overreacted, but there was a context... and as for all that other evidence against me, that...that stuff about me being emotional, falling in love with men whose bottoms I've smelled, presenting dental records to a judge who has a tooth fetish and sleeps with hookers, snapping at pedestrians who think that a square shoulder can be mitigated by "I'm sorry"... I am human, I am temperamental, I am GUILTY! NOW I'm finished!"
"Hi! Ally McBeat...Meat...Meal...Beal...McBeal!"
"Richard, this is ridiculous! Ridiculous cases are supposed to go to Georgia!"
"Why are all our cases about sexual harassment and why do we always represent the harassers?"
Georgia-"Why are your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?"
Ally-"Because they're MINE..."
"Her head is about to explode and the pope is stalking me!!!"
" For this man to be running around vaccinating any woman he can convince to play doctor, for this man to indulge his little affliction at the expense of his wife and his children, for this man to skirt financial and moral responsibility becuase he found a skuzzy lawyer and a skuzzier shrink to pronounce him disabled, for this man to waltz into a courtroom and get an order saying this woman was never married when she led an exemplary married life, for this man to say he's addicted to love, addicted to sex, addicted to infidelity, lying and cheating, for this man to come in here parading his penis like he should qualify for handicapped parking... How dare you subject this woman to this embarassment? How dare you subject your kids to it? How dare you live, you giant ASS?!!!!!!!!!"
"Thanksgiving! It's my favorite holiday! It's the time when we get to sit back and reflect on all of the things we have to be thankful for... THANKS for having a full life! THANKS for having somebody to love! THANKS for getting up every day and getting to be a lawyer! THANKS for not wanting a man! THANK YOU for not needing one! THANKS for all the millions and millions of awful men that I don't want and I don't need! THANKS for not having my back tickled in so long that I don't even remember what it feels like! THANK YOU for Thanksgiving, and knowing that Christmas comes NEXT!!!"
"Renee, would you stop barging into my room claiming to know me?!"
"To be a judge, you need wisdom, integrity... I'm a lawyer!"
"Don't ask questions, don't pass judgement, don't even pass go, just listen..."
"The only reason I look as young as I do is because I had the good sense not to smile growing up..."
"Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction..."
"If you can end your day dancing, you can't complain..."
"I have my dignity, or at least it should look like it..."
"Billy, if you had shared that little insight with me four years ago, you could've saved ourselves a lot of time and a lot of pain, because you could've sailed to Michigan just on the wind of me blowing you off..."
P.S. SOMETHING I JUST HAD TO ADD:~*(Excerpt from "Ally McBeal - The Totally Unauthorized Guide")~
Ms. Alan Thomas?
Ally Alan Thomas?
(Why does Ally Alan Thomas sound worse than Georgia Alan Thomas?)