"The sex is good if it's good for me..."

"To the contrary, watching two butt pirates go at it would make a man go limp for a week. The species would become threatened. Watching two women take their tongues to each other, arouses the male species, which fosters the urge to procreate and accordingly insures the survival of the human race." - on lesbians

"Your having a voice isn't my concern, Ally... it's just that the rest of us have ears."

"Respect only goes so far. For true love, it's chemicals."

"Lasting happiness only comes with money. Fishism. For temporary well-being - Viagra."

"This is the one thing I hate about money - people sue you."

"Yes, one little finger strays, and out I go with the bath water. Georgia, Elaine, you two are women, tell me... What kind of lie works here?"

"It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?"

"Have I not been every bit the ass you envisioned?"
Cage-"And more..."

"'Problem' is a bleak word for 'challenge'."

"That would be funny if it weren't so humorous."

"John, the pit maneuver can be dangerous in the wrong hands..."

"Ouch. That would hurt if I cared."

"I do [have somebody to love], I just get it in such odd ways..."

"Under the robe besides a phenomenal body is a good judge..."

"Love is an equation... A 'me' and a 'you' derives a 'we'..."

"What should I say? That I'm waiting for the Red Sox to win the World Series?"

"The trick is to fast-forward through the lousy parts in life..."

"Good lawyers everyone."

"True love means short refractory time."

"Let's face it-I'm upper-ordinary, not extraordinary-never will be!"

"It's not just winning, it's winning ugly that matters..."

"Helping people is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self-interest."

"If you don't kiss a girl on the first date, you're a gentleman... If you don't kiss her on the second, you're gay..."

"Put these [sunglasses] on!"
Fish-"So you don't look like Nelle's father!"

"Here's a flash, Billy... It's my firm."

"...Oh COME ON!"
Ally-"Come on WHAT?"
Fish-"Well, women... The... the period once a month, that's good for 3 days sub-performance, PMS-tackle another day... Plus add the 3.2 hours a week women spend in the bathroom doing hair, makeup, who knows... and the single one, forget it! All they want is to meet a man, and... Actually, Ally, maybe we could introduce you as an exhibit!"

"John, you're not a woman... Or is there something I don't know?"

"That looks, uh, dangerous...."